


John Cusack Is More Important Than Universal Harmony, Anyway

by cacophonyGilded



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-21
Updated: 2016-07-21
Packaged: 2018-07-25 21:42:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7548199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cacophonyGilded/pseuds/cacophonyGilded
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat doesn't think that humans can understand pale romance. John does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	John Cusack Is More Important Than Universal Harmony, Anyway

“Okay, dude, it’s your turn to pick the movie.”

 

With a new world of infinite possibility and nothing but time, a responsible orchestrator of the lives of thousands might immediately set to work building society from the ground up, sparing not a single second in their herculean effort to create something wonderful in a realm of impossible potential. Unfortunately for paradox space, no one had ever called you, John Egbert, a responsible man. Given the opportunity to form a new universe in your hands, molded as easily as clay, you spurred your role and instead put your hands to better work, popping some corn and putting another disc into your well-used DVD player.

 

For as long as the new session had existed, you and Karkat had met nightly to exchange cultural ideas and mold the futures of your respective races in a totally different way; no empire building, no godly interference, just simple arguing over which of your overly terrible, overly cliched, highly overrated movies blew exactly  _ how many _ more chunks. Every other night, to prove your point that human movies were superior in that they were  _ infinitely _ more awesome and had  _ way cooler _ explosions, you showed your bosom buddy one of your endlessly amazing earth movies. Many of these titles contained your Mcconaughey’s, your Cage’s, even, once in awhile, your Cusack's. On the flip side, every other-other night, your palhoncho would come over to prove  _ his _ point that troll movies were superior intellectually for the detailed examination of society and the quadrants that they examined, and the (and you quote here) “INFINITELY SUPERIOR INTELLECT THEY EXHIBIT, YOU WRITHING MASS OF WRIGGLEBEAST FECES.” 

 

Tonight just to happens to be an other-other night, which means it’s Karkat’s turn. In his hand, he clutches a disc so aggressively you wonder if he’s going to break it. In your mind, you turn over worst case scenarios, and race to think over where exactly you kept your bandages, and would he be upset if he broke it? You would still want to have your movie night, but if he was going to throw a fit, you could chuck that idea out the window.

 

“Okay, full disclosure. I’ve mostly been watering down your exposure to Alternian culture with the most boring, unvacillating, most straightforward and altogether  _ pointless _ movies my planet has to offer. I have all but spoonfed you the basic Alternian experience, chewing your food for you and presenting it in the mashed chunks of the one form of romance you dunderfucks can understand, all because I wanted your single celled human brain to have a fighting chance of maybe, just maybe, “getting it.” I’m sorry, John Egbert, but that ends tonight.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“I’m going to finally branch out and show you a movie that is half worth either of our fucking time. God, I’ve seen so much redrom in the last perigee I might as well decorate my wardrobe with some inane hearts and call it a fucking day.”

 

The idea he’s trying to drive painstakingly into your skill finally breaks through. You call this a win for the idiot. It’s a satisfying victory.

 

“Oh… so you mean, you’re going to show me movies about trolls being in… uh, kismespades?”

 

“Kismesis, dumbass. And no. I mean, I will eventually, because those movies are some of the most poignant masterpieces of my planet’s long cinematic history. But no, tonight I’m going to show you a movie in the moirallegiance genre. I didn’t want to drag you kicking and screaming into the blackrom culture shock too fast, because I actually enjoy getting to watch a movie with a minimal amount of interruptions from stupid assholes.”

 

“Moirails… that’s the one where they’re super special bros who hug bump a lot, right? Haha, me and Dave would be such moirails if we were trolls.”

 

“Oh my god, no, just shut up. I’m not going to stand by and listen to you bastardize my planet’s culture by insinuating that Strider could ever hold up a proper moirail,  _ or _ that  _ any _ of you dumb monkeys could even  _ attempt _ to understand the mysterious allure of moirallegiance for that matter. Just shut your mouth and put in the movie before I change my mind and go get some stupid bullshit with Troll Adam Sandler.”

 

You lead him to your living room, rambling about how you actually wouldn’t mind all that much considering Troll Adam Sandler is sweet, so sweet, almost as good as Human Adam Sandler, but nevertheless, you slip the disc into the player and promptly plop your ass down on your couch. The two of you sit close, constantly battling for proximity to the popcorn bowl, but when the movie begins, you stop trying to playfully swat at Karkat’s hand and glue your eyes to the screen. 

 

Thus far, troll movies have proved more interesting than you had first anticipated, but the one area you were really interested in had been the one that Karkat had curiously kept you away from. The first time he explained the quadrants to you, you had only grasped the absolute basics, and since then, you had sort of wanted to learn more, even if Karkat’s not-so-secret hatecrush on you at the beginning had been quite a convincing turnoff to the delicacies of Alternian romance. When he started showing you movies, you had anticipated many chances to be educated on the subject in ways that would be entertaining, if not a bit culturally confusing. That fun escapade went out the window once you watched a few, though, and saw he was only showing you the kind of romance you already knew all about!

 

Tonight, that changed. He’s showing you a real life moirail movie, and you are going to be the KING of understanding alien romance. It’s going to be AWESOME, and that is a FACT.

 

You settle in to be blown away by an expanded view of what troll movies have to offer. It probably speaks miles to your interest and devotion to understanding the movie  _ completely _ through your own merit and concentration that you get an entire ten minutes in before you have to ask Karkat a question.

 

“So… what just…?”

 

“Vacillation. Pale to red. Jesus, John it’s fucking textbook! The protagonist had red feelings for her moirail, but oh no!  _ She _ only has  _ pale _ feelings for her, thus leading to the basic romantic conflict of the movie. Now shut up, it’s getting good.”

 

You shut up and resolve again to not ask any more questions for the rest of the movie. You have to break your resolve ten minutes later, when one of the lead’s kismesis gets involved, and another five minutes after that, to ask why girl trolls even have boobs if they’re not mammals (this question apparently doesn’t even dignify a response, although you honestly feel like it’s pretty important!) but nonetheless, you get sucked into the story almost completely ten minutes after  _ that _ , and promptly clamp your mouth shut (only unclamping it for impossibly important popcorn stuffing) to truly enjoy your first real glimpse at the nuances of troll romance.

 

The plot is convoluted in a way that you suspect would actually be pretty straightforward once you know more about the quadrants. The protagonist falls red for her moirail, who continues to pap her unknowing of the vacillation of her partner. Seeing no other option, the protagonist confides in her moirail’s kismesis of her red feelings, and the kismesis falls pale for the protagonist, who returns his pale feelings. There's this really touching scene where those two fall into a pile and have a heartfelt feelings jam, but then that is totally ruined because the  _ original _ moirail shows up and is completely shocked by  _ her _ moirial’s infidelity and proceeds to totally dump both of them in all quadrants. To save the day, the used-to-be kismesis comes up with a zany plan to win back her trust for the protagonist, eventually locking them in a room together. The protagonist comes clean and tells her all of her feelings, and then the moirail realizes she’s felt flushed for her the whole time, and the whole thing ends up with the protagonist curled up with her new moirail and matesprit in a pile.

 

Cinematic. Art.

 

By the end of the movie, you are a complete wreck. You start crying somewhere during the halfway mark of the film and HAVE NOT STOPPED SINCE, which means your face is a gooey, sticky mess, covered with gross snot and tears that you wipe away on the back of your hand, only to leak some more a second later. At some point you're barely cognizant of, you additionally grab the hand of Karkat Vantas, and both of you are holding on to the other like a lifeline as you echo twin sobs to the tune of the credits rolling. There’s nothing left to do but melt in a puddle, popcorn bowl smushed between you as the two of you grip at each other for comfort from the total emotional rollercoaster that the movie was, you mean like damn.

 

Who gave troll movies permission to be that touching?

 

When you finally regain the strength to tear yourself out of your sobs, you weakly raise your head to get a good look at Karkat’s pain, and find immediately that he is doing the same to you. In the dark, illuminated only by the screen showing the last of the long list of troll names in the cute Alternian you don’t understand, you have to squint to make out his face, but he faces no such problem looking at you, his eyes looking large and round, still leaking strange, goopy red tears. You find yourself regarding your buddy leader with feelings that can only be described as pity, and, raising your hand to his face gently, you suddenly fall prey to something altogether…  _ multicultural. _

 

Oh.

 

_ Oh.  _

 

“Karkat,” you whispered, afraid to break the moment. “I think I understand, now. The whole pity thing.”

 

He looks at you like he might want to resist, but still leans his face into your pap, a multitude of conflicting emotions crossing his face. Normally, when he did that kind of thing, you thought it was pretty funny but right now,  _ well _ . Right now you just want to do whatever you have to do to smooth the creases in his brow, to make him relax and maybe cuddle with you, to possibly let his mouth turn up for once into something that could halfway be regarded as a smile.

 

You let out a long string of shooooooooooosh’s like you saw the moirail dude from the movie do. This is when the frustrated (even angry?) side of Karkat’s conflicting emotions wins out.

 

“John Egbert you awful, teasing excuse for sentient life, do you even know what you’re doing? Are you trying to MOIRAIL ME?”

 

You immediately wonder if you committed some sort of cultural faux pas, (it certainly wouldn’t be the first time) but find it’s too late to deny anything now. Even if it wasn’t you, think you couldn’t if you tried.

 

You really, really want to be in diamonds with Karkat Vantas.

 

“Uh, yeah, I mean, you just looked so pitiful, and you were crying, and I just wanted to see--and it was kinda working! You looked a little more relaxed when I was--” 

 

“No, shut up. Time out for the idiot. Were you even listening when I said I doubted any human could ever understand the mysterious forces behind moirallegiance? That still applies. You don’t know what you’re getting into, it’s not some blundering quadrant for “best bros,” it’s a really draining, sometimes thankless  _ romantic relationship _ , even if you don’t fill pails. It’s hard, and you’re  _ never going to get it _ .”

 

“Okay, I think normally you’d probably be right, and I’d agree with you that humans don’t get troll stuff, but… with all due respect, Karkat, I think you’re wrong. I think I  _ really do  _ get it. I was watching the movie, and part of me realized that that’s what I really want--romance and stuff always seemed kind of pointless and boring before, but moirallegiance  _ has _ a point, a good one, and I don’t know… it just looks really good, and I think I could understand it. I want to understand it, I want, I want for you to show me!”

 

You’re still crying and stuttering through your declaration of heartfelt pale love, which may be the reason Karkat breaks on his code to not pap or be papped by a human and gently ghosts a hand under your eyes, wiping away the new tears. Gratefully, you lean further into him, finally knocking the stupid popcorn bowl to the ground to maximize on just how closely the two of you can find yourselves intertwined. As it turns out, the maximum amount is  _ almost entirely _ , and you learn that Karkat is very soft, very warm, and when he’s comfortable, he lets out a growl so soft that it almost sounds like he’s purring.

 

Somehow, with your head pressed into his shoulder and his arms running up and down your back comfortingly, you wouldn’t have minded getting even closer.

 

“Okay.”

 

“What?”

 

“I said, okay. Maybe you can do this. At the very least, you look pitiful as hell, and you’re too stupid for that to be an act. I can show you the ropes to moirallegiance, and if you decide you don’t really want it, I guess it serves me right for trying to quadrant a human, but if you turn out to be good at it or something equally improbable, I guess it could be good for both of us?”

 

Suddenly overjoyed, you can’t stop a wide, wavering grin from forming on your face. You squeeze your arms, already wrapped around him, even tighter, not letting go even as the two of you slide off the couch and land hard on your elbows, side by side on the floor.

 

In return, he grants you one soft, pitiful smile, half formed and barely there.

 

Your heart explodes and you can’t help yourself. You lean up and press a soft kiss, warm and lingering, to that smile, like you had seen the moirails in the movie do. He presses back for a moment, and when you break the kiss, he looks at you like you had only ever seen him look at the climaxes of his movies, the scenes where the protagonists knew that this was it, that they were truly together, and everything was wonderful.

 

In retrospect, you really don’t see too much of a difference there.

 

When lying on the floor gets uncomfortable and Karkat elbows you in the stomach to get up, all you can do is laugh and pull him into a makeshift pile you form from a bunch of spare blankets and pillows. Your first feelings jam is packed with the words “shut up,” said without malice, and your arms falling asleep at the exact moment that Karkat gets comfortable, and one time when you accidentally pap him in the eye and get shoved off the bed for your troubles.

 

In other words, it’s perfect.

  
You really wouldn’t have it any other way. 

**Author's Note:**

> Man I just had the mental image of John watching a troll movie and looking at Karkat with these huge eyes and being like "Karkat. I want that." 
> 
> So naturally I spent like a whole day writing a fic for it. Also, I love pale romance the most. This may be the first moirail fic in a sort of group that I'm writing. They're not tied to each other in any way other than homestuck and pale romance, but I have a lot of feelings. The next one is an erivris thing from a few years ago that I've been cleaning up and editing for the past few days. Be on the lookout, I guess! It's so fun to write these.
> 
> For the long term, also be on the lookout for a sort of huge undertaking homestuck fic. That's all I'm going to say about it right now, but I'm really excited about that one. More to come! :*


End file.
